Falling Awake
by Bgl
Summary: Santana has found love before, however she finds herself struggling to figure out who she is and where she is going when she meets Dani. A story about self-discovery and how one person can change your life. Dantana fic. Cannon to Season 5 up until the 100th episode.
1. Part 1

A:N/ Well hello kind readers! It's been forever since I uploaded something, and for that I'm truly sorry. I don't have a good excuse except you know, life. So anyway, I'm back and in my dramatic absence I didn't just do nothing, I wrote this little Dantana fic. I know it is not for everyone (being a hardcore Brittana fan myself, I understand if you don't wanna read it), I had trouble with it at first and when I learned that Demi was going to play that part, I actually wanted it to be more serious. Brittana just wasn't working at that time and I wanted something to happen in Santana's life. But Demi did a good job with it, considering the mediocre writing of the character and I got inspiration in the midst of the unused potential. The thing with Glee is that we as fanfiction writers, tend to find inspiration with the "what if's" because they have the characters and the ideas, but they just throw it away with crappy story lines. So, this is how I think Dantana should have been played out. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't intend in any way to make less the epicness that is Brittana, and consider that this fic is cannon to the season 5 storyline up until before the 100th episode, what happens after that episode doesn't in here. Enjoy, and long live Brittana!

I don't own Glee or these characters, the story is just a product of my imagination.

* * *

Part 1

My heart couldn't stop racing. Why was I feeling like this? It was nothing like me to feel this way. I was cool, I had swag. And to be sweating like a pig for a girl? Nah, nah. This was crazy.

I refocused my attention on filling with salt the salt shakers and avoided looking up to those eyes that couldn't leave my mind. Rachel came and started yapping about her Funny Girl audition and how she was going to stay working in that diner for the rest of her life, blah, blah, blah. How dramatic. To spare her of some misery, I told her about my awesome gig with the yeast medication ad and I showed it to her. She only looked worse though. Anyways.

God, was she pretty. She was the prettiest girl I had seen in New York, and that was saying something. She wasn't my type really, but did I even have a type? I had only ever dated one girl before her, and we all knew how that had turned out. I sighed as I remembered my failed past relationships and wondered if I could make it right with someone someday.

There was something about her, maybe the amount of eyeliner she wore which was a total giveaway that she was a lesbian, or the edge in her look despite her kind eyes. I definitely liked her rockstar look and the way she was rocking that blonde ponytail. I didn't even know her to know what it was, but I definitely felt drawn to her.

After my lunch break, she came and started talking to me and I thought I was going to lose my cool. Seriously, I was panicking so hard. My only words to her were "I dig your name". Like, what is that? And then of course I needed to add more, because what moron says, "I dig your name" and then just stops. So I said, "Do you think your parents knew you would grow up to be a lesbian, putting you a boy's name?" Which was even stupider, and then to top it off, she said that she wasn't a lesbian and I almost crapped my pants from the embarrassment. Thank god she was kidding, so I relaxed my tachycardic heart and smiled as she talked to me. Her voice was so pretty that I almost didn't realize what she was saying until I heard that her parents hadn't been cool with her liking girls. Well, I could definitely relate to that. So I told her about my grandma since she was being so open with me. I started talking and before I could stop myself I told her I had had a girlfriend and that she was bi. Just when I thought that I sounded as the pathetic ex-girlfriend and that I didn't stand a chance, she told me that I needed a one-hundred percent sapphic goddess.

What?

Exactly. So I had to go away and avoid her because what the hell do you reply to someone as forward as that. No one had ever been so forward with me, I had always been the one who had to go begging. Well at least with Brittany that's how it had been, because all the boys from my dark times didn't count. Rachel realized how much she was flirting with me and made fun of my nervous state. Again, I don't know what was happening to me either. After some quick advice I knew that I liked her and that I needed to get my act together if I wanted a shot with her. I avoided her for a while and after Yenta the lesbian matchmaker left us alone, she asked me to watch the sunrise with her. So I stayed and before we knew it, she had her guitar out and we were singing, as cheesy as it sounds, 'Here comes the sun'. Lame, I know.

But as lame as it was, I do not regret it one bit because her voice was beautiful and singing with her, felt way too right. There was something about how our voices blended together that it made me feel in place, and I had to accept that it had been a long while since I last felt like that. I dropped her off at her place and there was a strange lingering feeling. I didn't want her to go because I liked her a lot already and I wanted to know everything about her. But we had just met, so I asked her, "So I guess this is goodbye?", and thank god almighty, she told me that just for now.

I smiled and she kissed me. Just like that. It was soft and quick but it was much more than I imagined would happen, and that soon. I liked the pace, it felt nice to feel this way after so long. I watched her close the door and I stayed there with my arms by my sides, smiling like an idiot. I'm not gonna accept that I skipped part of the way home (but I totally did) and when I got home it was all quiet because Kurt was already at Vogue and Rachel was asleep. Even though all I should have wanted to do was sleep, since it was eight in the morning and I had just gotten home, I laid in my bed with my work uniform still on me and traced my lips with my finger tips. I heard her sweet voice in my head and the sound of her name couldn't leave my mind.

Dani.

I drifted off to sleep with those brown eyes and the feeling of her soft lips on mine.

* * *

I saw her the next day at work and she asked me out officially. Friday afternoon, we met in Central Park and she bought me ice cream. It was just so much fun and easy. I remember it like it was yesterday.

"C'mon let my pay!" I insisted as she handed me my strawberry ice cream cone.

"No, I asked you out. I'm paying." She said to me.

"How are you gonna pay for rent if you pay," I smiled.

She looked at me curiously, "Santana, I think I can afford to buy ice cream to the girl I like and still pay rent."

The girl she likes.

Those stupid butterflies in my stomach went crazy.

"It's just a dollar, jeez" she laughed when I didn't say anything.

"Fine, I'll buy the next time" I resigned.

She stopped walking, "So, there's gonna be a next time, huh?"

I blushed, "Well yeah."

"Ok, just checking. Glad to see we're on the same page, then" she smirked. I don't know seriously what it was about her that made me blush and feel like an embarrassed school girl. And not in the dirty way.

We kept walking and eventually we finished our ice cream, throwing the napkins on a nearby trashcan. We talked about everything and everyone; there wasn't an uncomfortable silence ever and that was great. I told her stories about my high school glee club and she couldn't believe it.

"No way."

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that I was in Glee Club?" I laughed.

"Because look at you, you were totally the popular cheerleader who everyone followed around" she said.

"I'm not gonna lie, I was that too," I told her.

"Ha! Knew it!"

"Am I that easy to read?"

"A little" she smiled and I blushed, again.

"Those were my darker times, though. As much fun as I had being a cheerleader, I wasn't a nice person" I said looking down.

She sensed the change of tone and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters I was still in the closet and I refused to accept what I had known since I was fifteen. I didn't know how to handle my own insecurities so I projected them onto others and made some people's lives miserable. Although I got my quick wit and sarcasm from that, I'm not proud of what I did."

"Everyone has a hard time accepting who they are. I know I did. My goth phase says it all" she said.

"No! You had a goth phase?" I laughed.

"Yep, not my brightest times either." She laughed with me as we stopped walking for a second. "I guess what I'm saying is that, you shouldn't beat yourself up for what you did in the past. The important thing is who you became afterwards, and this may be the ice cream talking, but I think you became an awesome person" she said as she placed a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I shivered at her touch and looked attentively at her eyes. Wow. They were so deep that I could get lost in them.

I smiled not really knowing what else to do. She left me with such a loss of words every time. "I know, I am an awesome person" I said with a sudden hit of inspiration.

She laughed loudly and that broke the intense stare. "Very modest too."

"Mhm" I nodded with a smile. "Actually, Glee Club made me get over my stupid crap" I said remembering the previous conversation.

"How?" She asked as we continued walking.

"By singing about it, sometimes it was just easier to sing something than to say it." A brief silence passed and then she laughed again. "What?"

"I'm sorry I just can't picture you dancing around a bunch of kids singing songs from like the seventies."

"It wasn't like that. We rocked those disco numbers" I laughed with her. "But we also sung cool stuff. My killer rendition of 'Valerie' made us win Sectionals in Junior Year."

"Wow, sectionals, huh?" She said and lifted her eyebrow sarcastically.

"Hey, we won Nationals too. We beat every other loser Glee Club team from the country." I pushed her playfully.

"Now that's impressive. Did you sing show tunes?" She said going back to teasing me.

"Just for the musical, we did West Side Story. Broadway tunes were Kurt and Rachel's speciality." I said walking ahead.

"Kurt and Rachel?"

"Yeah, where did you think I met them?"

"Oh, so you really go back" she said to me.

"Yeah, they moved to New York first and when I needed someplace to live I just crashed there. We actually became close out here, but yeah. They're nice people. They're my family" I said sincerely. If I was as easy to read as she said I was, then she must have gotten that I was saying that honestly.

"You see. You're not a bad person, you care. And I like that about you" she said sweetly and I smiled. She lowered her gaze to my hand and took it as we kept walking. I intertwined my fingers with hers feeling like I had just completed an unfinished puzzle that was left a long time ago. It was an awesome afternoon.

When we parted ways in the subway I wanted so bad to kiss her but everything about our date had been PG-13 so I said goodbye and turned around. When I had stepped on the first step she said, "Santana wait, you forgot something."

I turned to face her thinking what I could have forgotten and told her just that, "What did I forget?"

She looked at me, "This."

She grabbed my waist and pulled me close as her lips crashed into mine. It was a wonderful surprise, kind of like when you're going really fast down the water slide and you crash into the cold water. She broke away as I remained flustered. "I had a great time" she said softly.

"M-me too" I cleared my throat still surprised.

"I'll see you tomorrow" she whispered in my ear and a shiver went down my spine. She looked at me one more time and walked the other direction.

"Bye!" I waved like an idiot as busy New Yorkers passed around me. I must have looked like a fool, but I didn't care because that girl was making my world spin again. And I loved that.

* * *

"There she is!" Kurt said the moment I walked through the door. I rolled my eyes at him but I couldn't hide my smile. "Rachel! She's home, and she's looking all smitten!" Kurt yelled.

"Shut up Lady Hummel" I said and sat down on the couch.

I knew what was coming when I heard a squeal coming from Rachel's bedroom. She walked out two seconds after and her and Kurt did a little ridiculous (super gay) dance.

"You seriously look like the biggest dorks on Bushwick right now" I said with my poker face as I lifted my feet up to the coffee table.

"We are. So, tell us" Rachel said.

"There's nothing to tell" I replied.

"Oh, but there is. Look at her face, Rachel." Kurt pointed out. I tried with all my might to not let them win but I couldn't help it and smiled. "I knew it!" Kurt jumped.

"Tell us!" Rachel insisted as they both sat on the couch next to me to put more pressure.

"Fine! I'll tell you. But stop being this" I moved my hand in their faces, "You seriously look like two crazy chihuahuas." They stayed quiet so I took a deep breath. "It was awesome."

They both shrieked like little girls. "Oh my god! Tone it down, will you? Only ultrasonic waves can understand you" I said.

They laughed, "Details!" They both said at the same time.

I rolled my eyes, "We went out for ice cream and we walked on the park. And we just, talked. It was a lot of fun." I smiled as I told my tale and looked at their impatient faces.

"What did you talk about?" Rachel asked.

"About normal stuff. She couldn't believe that I had been in Glee Club or that I had met you guys there. She told me how she got here and some couple of crazy auditions she had. We just got to know each other."

"Did she held your hand?" Kurt asked with an eyebrow raised.

I really didn't want to answer this question because I knew what their exact reaction was going to be. But I looked down and they sniffed it out of me.

"Awwwww!" They both shrieked very, very loudly.

Exactly, that reaction.

"Shut up!" I laughed.

"Look Kurt, she's blushing!" Rachel pointed out.

"Stop it guys!" I said still laughing.

"You're so in love, look at you!" Kurt said.

"No, slow down. I'm just enjoying the ride. I don't wanna go too fast. We all know what can happen when you feel things and you're not corresponded." I pointed out sincerely. "Besides, this is the first time in my life where I'm in a relationship where it transcends at the normal pace. I liked today, it was slow, yet not frozen and it was just-" I paused looking for the right word. "Refreshing."

"Refreshing how?" Rachel asked.

"It just feels nice to finally feel like you're doing something right and that you're not losing yourself completely for someone. It's just refreshing to feel like if you give something of yourself, you will not lose more than you win. I don't know, I've just never felt this way before, and it feels - it feels right" I said playing with my jacket.

"That's great Santana" Kurt patted my knee. "It's great that you feel like that."

"Yeah, we prefer the happier Santana. You deserve it" Rachel told me. I nodded not knowing what to do.

"She seems like a nice girl" Kurt said.

"Oh, she is. And she's super cute. Has this one's heart racing at the speed of light" Rachel replied as she pointed her finger at me.

"She does not!" I said sounded offended, but kidding. The phone rung so Kurt got up to get it.

"Yes she does, you were a mess the other day at the diner. You were totally freaking out" Rachel said.

"Hello?" Kurt said in the background as Rachel and I kept talking. "Oh, hi Dad. How are you?"

"Shut up! You promised you wouldn't tell Kurt!" I shrieked.

Kurt turned his back to us so he could hear better the other line. "What? What do you mean?" I heard him say faintly over Rachel's voice.

"Oh, it's just Kurt. Embarrassing would be if I told Quinn" Rachel teased me.

"You wouldn't!" I said.

"Oh my god" Kurt said as Rachel told me that she just might.

Kurt suddenly turned to us again, his face pale white, like he had just seen a ghost. Rachel was looking at her phone so she didn't see him at first but I did.

"Rachel" he said in a very thin voice, his hand over the phone.

Rachel looked up with a smile but it was instantly erased when she saw Kurt's face. We both waited for him to speak again knowing that what he was about to say wasn't anything remotely happy as the conversation we had just shared. Little did I know what was about to happen.

"It's Finn."


	2. Part 2

A:N/ Hey! Ok, so this is not my favorite chapter but this event was very real in Season 5 and one thing I'm proud of is how Glee handled the whole Cory/Finn thing. It was very important to give the fans closure considering how much Cory and Finn meant to all of us and they did it in a very classy, considerate and thoughtful way. This is Santana's point of how she handled Finn's death with the help of Dani. Finn was a big part of Santana's life even if in the show it didn't get the importance it deserved. So here it is. Thank you for reading!

* * *

Part 2

It all happened so fast. I faintly remember hearing Kurt tell us what had happened and then everything just went numb. It was like I was in slow motion and everything seemed to be moving around me, yet I stood frozen. Without blinking, paused. The noise from around me disappeared and I couldn't hear Rachel's hysterical cries or Kurt's soft words as he tried to console her but utterly failed. My vision was blurred and I realized I was crying as I adamantly stared at the same spot on the metal door in front of me. I couldn't detect movement or sounds or anything. I just sat there completely paralyzed without knowing what to do as my brain did the best it could to try and understand what Kurt's words had meant.

He was dead. Finn was dead.

How? When? _Why?_ This just couldn't be. A moment ago we were happy; I was telling them about my date. And the next moment; dark, everything was dark. I don't recall how long I sat there motionless, but soon enough my body obeyed my mind and I knew I had to do something. I blinked rapidly and the tears fell off my eyes, I could see now. I looked to my right and I saw Kurt still clutching the phone with one hand, his knuckles white, his face pale with red eyes. Rachel was just too much to look at. She was on the floor on her knees as she kept screaming at the top of her lungs. She kept repeating the same thing over and over.

_No. You're lying. That's not true. He's still here. _

Kurt kept repeating that it was true and that he was sorry, but Rachel just wouldn't hear him. Even though he was trying his hardest to hold himself together, it was visible that he just couldn't. Why would he? Finn was his brother. And that was when it hit me. _I_ needed to be the strong one. _I_ needed to pull myself together to be there for _them_. Finn had meant so much to me, but Kurt was his brother, Rachel was his soulmate.

I got up from the couch and tried to get to Rachel with Kurt, but she just screamed louder and pushed us away. I was terrified because I didn't know what to do. It was all too much. We stayed back as Rachel's hands shook along with her head in a "no" shape. A few minutes more of this and suddenly Rachel stopped screaming but she kept crying, harder if it was even possible.

_Tell me this isn't true. Kurt, please. Tell me he's not gone. Santana, tell him that he's still here._

It broke my heart to see her like this, so desperate and broken. Kurt was a mess, I was a mess. How were we supposed to help each other like this? We tried to tell her that it was true and that there was nothing anyone could do about it. Suddenly, realization hit her and she started screaming again. I tried to go forward to hold her but she just pushed me roughly back and did the same with Kurt.

_Leave me alone! You don't understand! He's not gone! You're all lying! He's not dead! _

I felt so helpless and in my desperation I did something I wasn't proud of but that helped. I yelled back.

"He's dead Rachel! _Dead!_"

She went silent as both of them stared back at me. There was a brief silence as only our breathings were heard. "I know you don't want to believe it, because it doesn't make any fucking sense! It doesn't! But it happened. And we can't do anything about it. I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better because nothing will. Not for you, or for Kurt. But let me try and help you. Just calm down and I'll help you. Please Rachel, just let me try" I said.

She looked at me defeated and she fell on her knees again as tears continued to fall from all of our eyes. With Kurt's help, we sat Rachel back on the couch as Kurt took her in his arms. Rachel just rocked there, crying, clutching my hand as we all tried to help each other.

I don't how long we stayed there like that, in silence. Eventually I needed to go the bathroom and when we made sure that Rachel was a little bit ok, I went while Kurt made tea. None of us said anything else, we just stayed silent until we fell asleep.

The next morning Kurt's parents called to say that they had booked us three seats in the next day's first flight out of New York and heading to Lima, for the funeral. We made breakfast but no one ate anything. Everything was just so dull. Kurt and I started packing the essentials while we checked on Rachel every once in a while. She stayed in her room just staring at the window with not a trace of light in her eyes. Eventually the night came and Kurt and I went to the grocery shop to buy things for the trip before we left. When we came back Rachel was gone.

We spent the whole night looking for her but we had no luck. I called Dani in the morning and told her what was happening. She rushed over even though it was just past five and the moment I saw her I broke down completely. All the exhaustion from being up all night, the worry of not knowing where Rachel was, the grief, the pain I felt in my heart every time Finn's face entered my mind, caught up with me.

She was pretty understanding and just held me for a while until my sobs stopped and I could breathe again. I stayed there with my chin in her shoulder and my arms holding her tightly. She didn't even understand everything completely but she didn't say anything, she was just there for me. That was the first time I truly appreciated her, and knew that letting her enter my life, had been a good decision.

She smelled nice, and even though I knew that thinking about that at a time like that was stupid, it made everything better. It was comforting. She made everything better.

Just when we were about to go look for Rachel again, she walked in the door in a horrible state. Her hair was all messed up, her eyes were blood red, her clothes looked dirty and she was drunk out of her mind.

"Oh my god, Rachel! What happened to you?" Kurt said as we all rushed to get her before she fell to the floor.

"Leave me alone, I'm fine" she struggled to say.

"You're _not_ fine Rachel look at you" I said. Rachel stumbled as we placed her on the couch.

"Yes I'm drunk, yes I went to a bar. But you know what, I just don't care. I don't care if I wandered the streets. Because nothing matters anymore!" She yelled.

"Rachel what are you saying?" Kurt asked with scared eyes.

"What I mean, Kurt Hummel" she half laughed and it was creepy. "Is that nothing else matters anymore. Because he's _gone_. He's _dead_. Finn is dead." She said the last part quietly as she stared blankly at the floor.

I looked at Kurt and I must have had the same terrified look as he had because I felt Dani's hand grab mine in support. God, what would I have done without her.

"I think she needs to get a shower and some sleep." Dani proposed quietly.

"Yeah, let's get her in the shower" I agreed.

Rachel wouldn't move so Kurt had to lift her up and carry her to the bathroom. Dani turned the faucet on as I opened the shower curtain for Kurt to put her inside. I started taking her jacket off and Dani stepped away as she looked at me uncomfortably. She was supportive but this was too much.

"We got this, don't worry" I said and she nodded. She was leaving but I caught her hand. "Thanks" I said sincerely and she smiled.

"I'll wait outside." She murmured and closed the door.

Kurt took Rachel's shirt off as I took care of her pants. When she was undressed we put her in the shower and let the warm water fall on her face. She just had this dead look on her and I couldn't see anything through her eyes. Rachel was so communicative, even when she wasn't speaking, with her eyes she told you everything and right now, I couldn't see a thing. That scared the shit out of me.

After the bath and the water we made her drink she seemed to be sobering up. It was now seven a.m. and we needed to get going soon for the airport. I packed for Rachel with Dani's help while she fell asleep. When it was time to go Kurt woke her up and she was now sober and dealing with a hang over. When we told her that we were leaving, she said she was not going.

"What?!" Kurt asked losing it.

"I said I'm _not_ going" Rachel repeated in the same volume as Kurt. Rachel stared at the quilt on her bed while Dani and I shared a look not knowing what to do.

"Rachel snap out of it!" Kurt suddenly yelled. "I know you're hurt and that you're upset. But snap the hell out of it! Don't you think I'm devastated too? Don't you think I care too? He was my _brother_ Rachel. My brother. And I haven't been able to grief the fact that I lost him too because I've been taking care of _you_. So get up and get dressed because you're coming to the funeral!"

Dani and I remained in silence, staring at the tension between Kurt and Rachel.

"I told you I'm not gonna go and I don't fucking care if you yell at me because nothing that you say will make me change my mind. I'm not going because I don't want to, it's because I _can't_. So just leave me the hell alone and go already. All of you. Get out!" Rachel spat.

"I can't believe you" Kurt shook his head and walked out of the room.

I looked at Rachel one more time but she didn't say anything to me. I grabbed Dani's hand and walked out too. I understood she was upset and I couldn't do anything about it. It was better if we left it like that.

Kurt was already at the door with his suitcase when he said, "Santana come on, we're gonna lose our flight."

"Yeah, I'm coming" I said grabbing my bag. I looked one more time towards Rachel's room and walked out of the apartment and closed the door.

Once we were outside and Kurt was calling a cab, Dani turned to me and said. "You sure you're ok? I can come with you if you want."

"No, I think it's best if I do this alone." I replied. "Can you just, check up on her?"

"Yeah sure, no problem."

"I just don't want her to be alone or do something she might regret later. Rachel is a very rational person but when she's broken she's very unpredictable."

"Yeah, I understand. I'll tell you if anything's up." Dani nodded.

"Thank you. Really, I can't thank you enough" I sighed.

"Come here" she said and gave me a long tight hug. I exhaled in her shoulder and composed myself.

"Santana" Kurt called when the cab was there.

I separated from Dani and kissed her softly. "I'll see you when I come back."

She nodded and smiled warmly at me. "Take care of yourself."

"I will" I said and walked into the cab next to Kurt. From the window I waved goodbye as the car advanced. She waved back until I couldn't see her anymore and I sighed loudly. I realized that I already missed her and prepared myself for what it would be the worst weekend of my life.

* * *

All I wanted to do was see her, so when she entered my room fifteen minutes before eleven p.m., I was relieved. I was in my pajamas and she came and hugged me very tightly.

"Hey, I missed you" she whispered.

"I missed you too" I said.

"How are you holding up?" She asked breaking away but staying close.

"I'm better. It was horrible but I'm getting there. We're all getting there" I said thinking about my friends from Lima and how broken we all were.

"I'm glad."

I sat down with her on my bed, "Thank you for keeping an eye on Rachel."

"No problem, I knew she needed someone despite what she said."

"How was she?"

"Pretty quiet. I came in the afternoon of the morning you left and she let me in. I told her that I was just making sure she was ok and she told me that she appreciated it, but she just needed time to think. I accompanied her to take a walk but she didn't say anything. We just walked all the way to Bow Bridge in silence. She just stayed there looking at the water. I don't know why she went there, but she seemed to be a little bit better after." I nodded trying to understand. "I think it's gonna be a slow process, but eventually she'll be better."

"Yeah, I sure hope so." I said lying down on the bed.

"Are _you_ ok?" She asked softly.

I looked at her for a second and sighed, "I have to be, don't I?"

She shook her head, "Not with me."

"But I do. I do have to be ok, because Kurt lost his brother and Rachel the love of her life. I need to be the strong one, I need to keep it together. It's not fair that I break down. If I'm not the strong one, then who will?" I said and I felt tears coming out of my eyes.

"Santana" Dani kneeled in closer. "It's ok. You don't always have to have everything in control. You are allowed to feel something. He was your friend too. He meant something to you, and just because he meant more to them, doesn't mean you need to shelter your emotions. I understand you wanna be strong for them, so be it. But right now, here with me, you don't have to be. So let it all out. I know you need to."

I took a deep breath and let my emotions take over. "I just miss him so much" I cried and Dani immediately took me in her arms.

"I know, I know sweetie."

"He was just so kind and forgiving. And I never got the chance to say how much I loved him!" I cried desperately. Dani held me and laid me down on the bed with her. She just comforted me for a while until my breathing returned to normal.

"You're feeling better?" She asked.

"Yeah" I nodded drying my tears.

"Tell me about him" she said in a quiet voice.

"About Finn?" I asked. She nodded.

"He was the best guy I knew. He was so considerate and honest. He never saw the worst in me, even if I almost only gave him the chance to see that. He protected me and cared about me, like no other guy I ever met did" I said with my face against her chest.

"I was so mean to him, and only one time did he reply back. And still he only did it with the best intention." Dani listened to me attentively as she ran her fingers through my hair.

"Actually that one time we were fighting, some people overheard and I was outed."

Dani lifted her body so I went with her. "You were outed?" She asked with horror in her face.

"Kind of. I mean, I said I was gay but I didn't have any chance to do it when I really was ready."

"I'm sorry" she said.

"No, it wasn't as bad. I had the best friends that supported me. Finn was the guy who did the most for me. He just cared so much and he wasn't afraid to show it. He was a much better person than I will ever be. And I loved him, I loved him so much. But now he's gone, and I will never get the chance to say how thankful I was for him." I sobbed once again.

Dani placed her hands on my face, "Santana, he knew. He knew that you cared, otherwise why would he have been so nice to you."

"Because that's who he was, he was _that_ good of a person" I hiccuped.

"Regardless of that. He knew, I can promise that. He cared about you as much as you did for him."

"You think so?" I asked in a small voice.

"Yeah, I do. You're special, Santana. And everybody knows that. And he was very fortunate for realizing that in you too" Dani said kindly. She nodded and I kissed her. I didn't know what to reply, so it was better if I showed her.

"Thank you" I said with my forehead against hers. "For making me feel better and for staying in this awful situation."

She looked deeply into my eyes. "Santana, I'm not going anywhere. I just found you."

With her words and her eyes, suddenly my grief and anguish disappeared. I knew Finn was still gone, but for a second she made everything better. She was kind and considerate and it warmed my whole body. I had forgotten what it was like to feel like that, and finding that feeling again was wonderful.

I dozed off and the next thing I remembered was her shaking me awake gently. "Santana, it's late. I'm gonna go."

I rapidly grabbed her wrist, "No, don't go. Please stay."

I honestly don't remember why I did that, I just felt desperate that she would leave, like she was the only good thing in my life left and I was terrified to lose her.

She looked at me for a second and then said, "Ok, I'll stay." I smiled back at her and she squeezed my hand.

"I think I'm gonna go get ready for sleep. Get yourself comfortable."

I later realized that by saying that I was very clearly stating that the reason why I needed her to stay was very different from sex. She later told me that she knew and that she didn't plan it either. Because you never plan things; the most special moments happen when most unexpected. I gave her a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and we both laid down under my covers in silence. At one point we started talking about Finn again and I told her all about how I had taken his virginity and then told Rachel about it. I told her about the time I gave him mono, and finally, the time I slapped the crap out of him. She never passed judgement and there never appeared a single spot of criticism in her eyes; she was the nicest girl I had ever met. Strangely, she reminded me a lot of Finn, and that made me smile.

I also told her about the good times, like when we both drove Waxed Barbie out of Rachel's life or when he called me to give the Glee Club a lesson on being a diva or when he gave _Rizzo_ to me. When she asked me what was my favorite memory of him, I said it was when he called me to help him buy a Christmas gift for Rachel. Despite all we've been through, for him it was natural to call me up and ask for my help. That was when I knew that he was the guy for Rachel. And although we weren't friends yet, it was something I never forgot.

"If I had the chance, I'd do it all over again. I wouldn't have slept with him or tell Rachel about it. I would have let him help me when they were gonna out me. I would have really said thank you to him. Because the truth is that, part of why I'm here and happy and sure of who I am, is because of him. And I will always owe it to him."

Dani nodded into the pillow as she faced me and pulled me closer. She kissed me softly, "You can't change the past, Santana. But you can make his memory last forever in here" she placed my own hand over my heart. "Never forget him and let him guide you to that bright tomorrow that I'm sure he always knew you would get."

Tears fell out of my eyes, "I'll do that. And I'll take care of Rachel for him."

Dani leaned in and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead, it made me suck in my breath and grasp her hands firmly in mine. It had been the worst weekend of my life but I knew that I couldn't give up. I knew that time healed everything, and it did. As years passed every time I thought about him it hurt a little less and eventually all I could do was smile with his memory. It was tough for Kurt and even tougher for Rachel, but with each other's help we made it through. Life is something that can get taken away from you, sometimes without you even noticing. They say death is hardest on the living, and it's true and it teaches you a lot of valuable lessons. I learned most of them with the passing of years, but one thing I learned that weekend was that you should hold on to stuff you care about, because you never know when they're going to be gone. That's why that night, I hold on to Dani real tight and didn't let go until morning came.


	3. Part 3

Part 3

A couple of weeks passed and slowly we all started to return to our normal lives. We were pretty careful around Rachel but she really surprised us. She went home for the first time since it happened and sang to the Glee Club. I think that really helped her because after that, when she came home she started smiling again and she looked like she was going to be ok. She focused on work, I think we all did for a while, and Kurt decided to form a band for which we held open auditions. Only one person came but we were actually very lucky because man, could he sing. Elliot, was actually very extravagant, Starchild, I rather say, but he was so nice and he became a part of our little New York group.

After Rachel got the part in _Funny Girl,_ she just started seeing it as something she needed to do and although sometimes I worried she wasn't taking time to breathe as much, every day she seemed better. I still worry about her sometimes, I worry about Kurt too. Hell, I worry about myself. We are still kind of dealing with it even though it's been years now, but at that time it had been just a few weeks and we were all still very fragile. Rachel and Kurt got a rebel phase. They got drunk and then they got tattoos. Well, Rachel chickened out but Kurt didn't and now he has a tattoo. I still make fun of him sometimes. We sang in our little band, "Pamela Lansbury", I still laugh about that too. We all just kind of were trying to find a way to carry on with our lives. I think we wanted to find something that was different, because we all were different. Finn's death changed us and not for bad necessarily, but we just felt different.

I knew I kept looking for a reason to all of this. Something that would explain to me why I was here. I mean I was nineteen, living in New York and I was doing nothing. I didn't go to college, I worked at a diner, but I wasn't a waitress, I was a performer and the fact that it had already been four months since I had gotten there and I had only picked up one audition, was kind of getting to me. I didn't say anything though, I kept it to myself because I wasn't sure what I was looking for or what were the answers to all my questions. But I think Dani kind of noticed.

She was wonderful. She really was. After what happened, she just stayed with me. I saw her every day and she would bring us food and movies and she would always have a plan for something fun for us to do. She really tried making Kurt and Rachel feel better and I know they were as thankful for her as I was. She was just the best influence for us at a time like that one.

I felt broken for a while, like I had been wrinkled and shattered into some pieces, and she just helped me get myself back together. She became the glue in my life and I didn't know what it was yet but I wanted her to stay for a long time. She took me out on dates and brought me flowers. She even set up a whole picnic on the park for me. She was so sweet and sometimes I felt bad that our relationship was kind of moving slowly.

Dani stayed the night regularly but we hadn't done anything. We did stuff, but it never went past second base. She was being patient with me, and it wasn't like I didn't want to do it, but just in the middle of my existential crisis, I kind of lost track of who I was. She never pressured me or anything and sometimes she was the one to stop when she sensed my insecurities.

One time Rachel and Kurt had gone to school so Dani came over and well, one thing led to another and we started making out heavily. I tried to push through it because she made me feel so good, and it wasn't that I was scared of doing it, because she made me feel very safe. I just felt that if I was having so much trouble figuring out where to go next, sleeping with Dani would kind of make me feel more lost because I would bare myself into her. I didn't want that. I wanted to be the woman she deserved. I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin before I let myself be comfortable in hers. It became very frustrating because I thought I knew who I was and where I was going, and suddenly everything changed and I was so scared that I was going to miss it. I was too scared to even breathe because what if that was my last breath? And instead of developing a "YOLO attitude", I was just scared.

I remember trying to fumble with her buttons but utterly failing because of how my hands were shaking.

She broke away from my lips and said panting, "Santana, we don't have to do this."

I looked at her for a second trying to convince myself more than her, "No, I want to."

"I know, and I _really_ want you to. But I want you to be comfortable, so that I can be comfortable." I think she must have sensed how frustrated I was with myself because she took my hands in hers, "Santana, I understand what you're feeling. I think I do. You're trying to figure things out, and that's ok. But don't pressure yourself into anything just because you care about me."

I remained quiet.

"I like things slow, I do. And I like you a lot, and I'm not ready either. So just, let's take it slow. I like this pace and I wanna do things right with you." She smiled at me. "I'm more than ok just kissing you, I like kissing you very much and for now, that's more than enough for me."

I smiled back and kissed her softly. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be. I like you for a lot of other things than sex." I laughed and she kissed my cheek. "Come on. I'll take you to lunch" she said as she extended her hand towards me. I took it and let her lead me to the door.

Dani had been out all day because she had had a meeting with a record label who wanted to hear her sing properly in a studio to maybe record a demo. She had been so nervous and excited for almost a week because this could mean the start of something huge for her. I was very proud of her and got excited as well. The day came and she had the meeting in the afternoon so off she went. I called her when she was supposedly finished but she didn't pick up.

Instead she sent me a text saying,

_I'll come over soon._

I waited for a couple of hours but she took a long while. I didn't worry because before she had told me that she was staying over so I guessed she had gone to her apartment for some things. By around ten o'clock p.m. there was a knock at the door.

I was on twitter on my bed when I heard Rachel say, "_Hey Dani. How are you?_"

"_I'm fine. Is Santana home?_" I heard her ask with a certain insistence and a quiver in her voice.

"_Yeah she's in her room. Come in_" Rachel said with a concerned voice.

I saw her open my curtain and close it before I placed my phone down. "Hey how did the meeting go?" I asked before I saw her face. I immediately saw her red eyes and my stomach dropped.

"What's wrong?" I asked worried.

She sat on my bed and she just broke down. My eyes went wide because I didn't understand what was happening. She stuttered as she tried to speak and I just hugged her to get her to calm down. "It was awful!" She cried in my shoulder.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I got there and they m-made me sing, so I sang one of my songs and later on they started asking all these personal questions about me that I d-didn't understand what they were f-for." She told me in tears while I listened attentively. "After a million questions they asked me if I was gay and I just couldn't believe them!" I saw where this was going and I felt my insides start to boil.

"I told them that what difference did it make. So they just asked me again and I said that I was, because I am, I am gay and I'm proud of it!" Tears cascaded down her eyes.

"And they just told me that I wasn't the person they were looking for and walked me to the door! Can you believe them!" She said crying uncontrollably.

I felt a hot anger in my stomach because not only what they did was illegal but the fact that they had made Dani feel like that, was maddening. "Who are those bastards because I'm gonna go all Lima Heights on their sorry asses!" I said roughly and stood up.

"No, Santana! It won't help. It doesn't matter!"

"It doesn't matter?!" I responded loudly. "Look how they left you! Of course it matters!" I looked at her.

"I'm used to that! I can take it. It's not my first meeting that gets cancelled because of my sexuality." Dani wiped her tears.

"But that's not right! It's not fair!" I breathed agitatedly.

"I know it isn't but we just gotta get used to it because it's a damn unfair world!"

I stopped and looked at her for a second. Even with her tear-stained cheeks she was still beautiful.

"It shouldn't be like this" I said softer than before and felt my eyes start to water too.

"I'm not crying because of what they did to me" she said after a brief silence.

"Then why are you crying?" I asked sitting back in the bed.

"Because the past three auditions that they asked me the same thing, I lied and I said I was straight. And now I just couldn't." I narrowed my eyes trying to understand what she meant.

"I don't want to hide you, Santana. I care about you very much to do that. Because I'm not ashamed. Ashamed of who I am or what we have. So I didn't lie and I'll never do it again." She took my hands and I remained quiet taking it all in.

"Santana I need you more than I need the air to breathe and I know I said we were gonna wait, but I _need_ you." Suddenly everything changed and there were other things on the line.

"Oh, I-" I stumbled.

"I'm afraid that we're gonna run out of time, that I wont be able to share this with you and I want to. I need to. So please Santana" Dani almost begged with tears again in her cheeks.

"I'm here Dani" I said soothingly trying to understand her fear. "I'm not going anywhere." I heard the door close softly outside my room and knew that Rachel had left to give us some privacy.

"But you don't know that. You can't know it. Look at what happened to your friend, to Finn. And I'm so scared" she said softly as she placed her forehead against mine.

I gripped her hand really tight, "Hey, nothing's gonna happen to me or to you. We're both here and we're not going anywhere. Trust me."

And in that moment I understood that there was no time to waste. I needed to seize every opportunity, every joy and wonder that life threw at me. Before it was too late. This was what I had been looking for, maybe I didn't have it all figured out, but I needed this. I needed Dani too, and I was ready.

"Do you promise?" Dani asked out of breath from crying.

"I do" I said with certainty.

There was a pause where we both understood what was going to happen but didn't know how to start it.

"I'm still scared" Dani whispered, her forehead on mine.

"Me too" I admitted because I was. It wasn't like it was my first time or anything but it was different. It was more than sex. It wasn't a random hookup with Quinn or experimentation and self-discovery with Brittany. It was something else, something that I really cared about. Something I was willing to give and risk and expose myself because I knew I was safe. I knew Dani felt the same way and I knew that with her I was safe.

I tenderly placed my hands on her cheeks and kissed her. I wanted to make this right with her, she had been so patient and it felt right. It was the moment to give her back everything she had given me in the past weeks. She had been so kind and made me feel like myself again. It had been a while since I last felt about someone like I felt for Dani and I was so thankful for everything she did for me.

She returned the kiss with passion and I sensed her nervousness. I found it endearing so for the first time in my life I led the way. I slowly laid her on my bed and crawled on top of her, kissing her slowly. After a while like that she was more at ease and she started to loosen up and be less paralyzed. She took my sweater off and I took her jacket. Not once while we were undressing each other was there a quiver in her stare, which made me feel more safe. There wasn't a moment where it didn't feel right and I think it was part of discovering someone who you cared about for the first time. I've never had that. In previous times it had been new, yes, but it had never been like this. It was the first time that I was seeing Dani like this, exposed and raw, and she was seeing me like that too. It wasn't rushed or pressured because we both wanted it, and there weren't any ulterior motives behind it. It just happened and I remember it with great affection.

I remember tracing my fingers along her skin and discovering everything new to me in her body. The contour of her waist, the feeling of her spine with my tongue, the way her silhouette created a shadow on my white sheets. I remember the feeling of her lips on mine and the way her hips moved against me. Or the way her body temperature increased with every touch as well as how her breathing hastened with need. I'll never forget the way her body flushed and reacted against mine for the first time, because with every touch, taste and look, she became even more beautiful to me. I kissed her for I don't know how long and we eventually stopped when we were too tired to do anything else. We just laid there with our foreheads against each other and my arms wrapped around her naked waist.

The last thing I remember was her fingers running through my hair and me thinking how lucky I was and how much I liked her. It was too early in the relationship to call it anything else but I already knew it. Dani fell into my life when I most needed it and she was kind of a light house, guiding me towards something better and brighter. Sometimes life doesn't make everything work and it is very unexpected. But at least for me, Dani will always be that one memory where I don't regret anything about it.

* * *

A:N/ Hey! Hope you enjoyed it! This chapter is very dear to me because of what it represents. I really wish that Glee would have done something like Finchel's/Klaine's first time for Santana, and if they had I would have liked it to be like this. First times are something special and considering that Santana hasn't gotten a lot of them, at least that were special, I find it important to address this. Also the issue with the audition, we live in a world where some people haven't caught up with someone who is different and unfortunately maybe they never will. So if you ever feel like this, remember that you are not alone and that you don't need anyone's approval to be yourself. See you next time!


	4. Part 4

Part 4

It's funny how one aspect of a relationship can change a lot of your daily routine. It wasn't that Dani and I had the necessity to be doing it 24/7, but we did start staying much more often at her apartment than at the loft. She lived alone and although it was tiny compared to my place, she didn't have two very loud and curious roommates. Everything was just progressing at a great pace and Dani and I were as happy as ever.

Kurt, Rachel and Elliot noticed that in us and they often teased us about it. Normally I would reply with a snarky comment but most of the time I just waited and planned the same comebacks for when Blaine came to town. One week him and Trouty Mouth came to look at colleges and Kurt and Blaine acted like one of them had returned from the war. They stayed for four nights and I swear Blaine only went to see colleges two of the days and one day he and Kurt didn't even leave his room. I wouldn't know because with them there it just was the perfect excuse to stay at Dani's, but Rachel told me about it. So I'd chose my moments to use that information in my favor.

Being with Dani was fun. I loved how sexy she was and the sex with her was seriously so awesome. I think what I liked most was the fact that it became part of a routine. Not a routine like the kind that ends relationships, but the one that made me feel very comfortable because I knew that I had someone who reciprocated my feelings. I don't know, maybe I had just missed sex. I spent all of that year not having it except for the one night stand with Quinn and it wasn't all that great. It made me remember what it was like to have that on a regular basis, like on my senior year. Although here everything was different because we were older and knew better. Dani was my girlfriend and we weren't messing around, we really cared about each other. How much was hard for me to figure out and it sure became complicated when Dani took a huge step.

It wasn't the easiest times for all of us but at least for me, Dani was my one thing that kept me sane and happy. Very, very happy. It was all just easy and refreshing and just, awesome. You really don't realize how easy it is until something makes it difficult. We were just starting to feel comfortable around each other, at least I was, and then she said it. It wasn't bad or anything but I wasn't ready for it, that's for sure. When you undergo a traumatic experience or suffer a loss, it takes a while to feel normal again. It's a slow process and personally, it took me a long while. I kind of faded in the background sometimes and when I realized that I was doing that with her, I stopped. It wasn't a crime to feel like that for someone, I just didn't know how to make her feel as special as she made me feel, if I wasn't there yet. What was I supposed to reply when she said she loved me for the first time and I didn't feel it.

We were on her place, a Sunday morning that I had stayed over when she first said it. We were just talking and cuddling and being cute when she stayed silent and just looked at me.

"What?" I smiled as she continued to analyze me with a kind look.

"Nothing. It's just that-" she stopped herself.

"It's just that what?" I encouraged.

She took a deep breath as if she was realizing what she was about to say and then just said it. "It's just that, I love you."

I froze. I froze because what she said was beautiful and made me feel all gooey and warm inside. Just knowing that she loved me was amazing. She loved me. Dani _loved_ me. I also froze because I didn't feel it. Maybe I did at that point already but I just didn't know it yet. It was truly awkward because I stayed quiet for a minute.

She understood my silence and said, "It's ok Santana. You don't have to say it if you're not ready. I don't expect you to say it back, in fact it was too soon and I just got carried away and said it. I shouldn't have said anything-" Dani started to doubt herself.

I immediately reacted, "Hey, no. Don't say that. What you said was wonderful and it makes me feel like the most special girl in the planet. It really does. The fact that a girl like you feels that way about me, is so so special. I'm the ass here for not saying it back."

She grabbed my hand kindly. "It's okay, babe. In a relationship we don't need to be at the same pace all the time. I just couldn't stop myself because that's how I feel." I nodded and instead of saying anything I kissed her.

"I wanna say it. I really do." I whispered with my forehead against hers.

"Don't. It's better to say it when you really feel it." She told me and kissed me one more time.

"I really hit jackpot with you" I said unbelieving of what I had in front of me.

"You really did." She joked. I laughed and held her close.

Feelings for me have never been easy, and in every relationship I've been in I always have trouble with them. Dani made it easier because she said she didn't mind that I didn't love her yet. However for me, it made it complicated because I now felt that we weren't equal. It made every goodbye feel awkward because there was always that lingering feeling where I wanted to say something but I didn't know how. Saying you love someone isn't easy, it's exposing a part of you that's very intimate. It's scary. But on the other hand, saying it and hearing it back is wonderful. I hate making comparisons, but the first time Brittany said it to me under a circumstance where she wasn't tied to anyone was amazing. Just knowing that the person you most care about feels the same way about you is a feeling that nothing compares to it. I also remember how broken I was when Brittany kind of said it that day when I told her I was a lesbian. The fact that I knew how it felt and how Dani must have felt when I didn't say it back, was truly the worst part. I cared too much about her to make her suffer and I just felt like the worst person waiting for it to happen.

* * *

I started to feel really insecure about myself and about the relationship after that. The more I thought about it, the more conflicted I felt and she kind of noticed so she said things indirectly to reassure me that she didn't mind, but I minded. I just wanted everything to be right.

The funny thing is that love is something weird, you never know where you stand with it. One day you are so happy and you don't even know why, the next you're stressing so much over the fact that you can't reciprocate her feelings. It's funny because the time when you didn't know why you were so happy, was because you were in love, you were just too stupid to see it. At least that's what happened to me.

Love is a collection of emotions that are inside you, it's a progressive thing but they are kind of always there. They build up and increase in size, but if it is the right person, it doesn't take an exact moment to actually fall in love, you just _realize_ you are in love. Fear and hurt make you blind and you freeze when the other person is bold enough to accept their love. You deny the fact that you feel it too because of reasons I'll never be able to understand. Once you look past that fear and that hurt, you're able to see that you have been in love with her since the first moment she held you tight. In a simple moment, the simplest; that's all it takes.

So that's why my moment of realizing everything, happened so randomly.

Everyone thinks that the first time you say it should be planned and big. But the truth is that it just blurts out. Without notice. One minute you're talking about what you're getting for dinner, the next you're saying it. In the middle of the damn subway, just like that.

"So I thought thai would be better since we ordered pizza last night, and you know how much Kurt hates repeating foods. And this way Rachel won't complain about us ordering pepperoni pizza because here she can order a vegetarian meal and that's it. You know?"

Dani had been rambling on for like five minutes and I was so tired from my dance class that I was quiet I guess. This however, made me pay attention to her and everything else just faded. I don't know what it was or why in that precise moment, since she was talking about food, I decided to say it but I just couldn't help it. There was no control, just impulses and instincts and those wonderful feelings made me say it.

"I love you."

There was a man next to us holding the handle and he just stared at me and at Dani's beautiful shocked face. It was weird, yes, but I didn't care. I loved her. I _loved_ Dani.

"You do?" Dani asked, her voice filled with vulnerability.

"Yeah, I do." I nodded certainly.

Her eyes watered and she paused, took a breath and said, "I love you too." I squeezed her hand and pulled her in for a hug. We didn't need to say anything else.

The subway shifted and we almost fell because we weren't holding anything but each other, but it was ok, it was funny and honestly I didn't care about anything else than Dani anymore.

There's never good timing for these things, but the truth is that fairytales don't exist. We can pretend all we want and wait for everything to happen like in movies, but that's false. Probably you won't get kissed in the rain like in "The Notebook" or she won't hold a boom box outside your window or plan your future house with candles in the middle of the freaking forest like in "Grey's Anatomy". I actually blame Walt Disney, Nicholas Sparks and all those people for making me believe in love like that, when the truth is that nothing works out perfectly, ever. Love is difficult and absurd and stressful and sometimes it sucks. But it's love and it's what keeps us going, what makes us believe that one day everything will be okay. Every love story is epic by itself, and you don't need these clichés to make it epic, it's gotta be in you to see that what's really epic is the fact that you love someone and that they love you back. I never thought I'd be so open in a subway, but that's what love and life are about. About those surprises that make your world better and brighter. It's the little things that no matter how much time it passes or who you actually end up with, you remember for the rest of your life. My story with Dani wasn't a fairytale, but for me it was perfect because she was perfect. And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

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A:N/ Thank you for reading, faveing, subscribing and reviewing the story. Hope you are enjoying it!


	5. Part 5

Part 5

A couple of months passed and a lot of things happened. Pamela Lansbury broke apart because suddenly we were all just going different directions. Rachel was breaking records in Funny Girl with full houses every night, Kurt was planning his wedding, and NYADA and Blaine, who was now living in New York, made it a little hard. While Elliot had gotten a permanent gig singing at a restaurant.

Dani was a different story. She had met and became good friends with this really cool singer chick who had a record deal at a fancy company and was gonna have her first tour. She was still just starting but her album had been a hit. She had heard Dani sing with Elliot at the restaurant and had loved her. They got to talking and went for coffee and she had invited her to come to her tour. Allison, the singer, thought Dani had a lot of potential for opening her show and it was such an incredible opportunity that Dani didn't think twice and took it. It was her dream and she was finally making it true.

As for me, well, I was still figuring stuff out.

At first, I was excited for Dani, and don't get me wrong, I always was but there just came a point when I realized that there were other things on the line. She was leaving. It was a tour around the country but it lasted five months, and then what? Allison's record deal wanted to take her to Europe and if Dani was good in the U.S. tour they wanted to take her as well. That could be up to a year. A year where I would see her a couple of times if we were lucky and only if she came to New York. We had only been dating for six months, could we survive it? I learned the hard way that long distance relationships are a horrible mistake, and I knew that if we loved each other we could maybe get through it. But, I had loved Brittany and she had loved me too and we were only a couple of states away, and it had only broken us up. I knew where I stood and that I didn't have much of a say in it because it was her dream. But I just... I just loved her too much. And she, well she didn't take a lot of time to make a decision.

We discussed it for a while and I just felt horrible but it got to a point where it turned really dark. We had been arguing for over an hour now, Rachel, Kurt and Blaine had left the apartment to Sam and Mercedes's to give us some space because we were really shouting.

"So, you just want me not to go? Is that what you want?" Dani asked agitated, pacing around.

I was sitting down in my bed with my head between my hands. "I'm not saying that!"

"Then what are you saying, Santana I don't get it."

"I know I can't make you stay and I want you to go because I understand how much you want it-" I explained.

She interrupted me, "Then what is this about?"

I was losing my patience really quickly because we had been on it for a while now, and if I was trying to not let her see my insecurities well, that went out the window. "You just said yes!" I almost shouted. She stayed silent not understanding. "You just said yes, without even thinking about it." I said more softly.

"What?" She said in the same tone trying to read me.

"I know this is your dream and that it's a great opportunity but it hurts that you said yes without even thinking about me. I thought what you and I have would be worth a little hesitation." I didn't mean for it to come out accusatory but I couldn't stop myself.

"This isn't about you Santana, you do understand that I can't say no, right?" Dani's condescending tone made me feel worse.

I sighed frustrated and looked away so she couldn't see my teary eyes. "I already told you that I didn't expect you to say no, I just wanted you to care a little bit more."

If I had had the strength I sometimes had too much of in high school I could've held my ground with what I said, but the quiver in my voice gave my feelings away and Dani changed the tone of the fight. Maybe if I had showed that strength, the fight would have ended terribly and things wouldn't have ended the way they did. A few years later I kept thinking about the "what if's", but the truth was that there was nothing either of us could do, it was meant to happen the way it did. I do not regret showing her how I felt, because what was the point of hiding it? I loved her and I wasn't ashamed of my feelings. There was no point in showing dominance or individuality when I felt for her the way I did. The truth was that I loved her more than I ever imagined I would and the fact that she was leaving me, was breaking my heart.

Dani stopped for a second and exhaled. She walked closer to where I was sitting on my bed and knelt beside me. "Santana-" she said so softly that I had to do everything I could to not start sobbing right there. "I care. I care more than you can imagine. I love you so much that it makes me want to not go." She placed a hand in my cheek and I resigned and let her see my eyes that dropped a tear. "But I have to go. This is just something I need to do."

"I know but it hurts because I'm gonna miss you so much and I just don't know what to do without you." I said now crying.

"You're not gonna lose me, I'll fly every few weeks or so to see you and yeah, I'll be far away, but that doesn't mean we'll lose each other."

I stayed quiet for a little while because Dani thought we could work it out even with the distance.

And I didn't.

"But it does."

Dani remained silent because she knew it too, she was just not ready to accept it. "If there's a way for me to assure you that we can do this, I'll show you, honestly, but I just-" Dani said, her voice breaking for the first time.

"I know, I know." I said sniffing and there was another pause.

"We can keep going." She said.

"But where are we going?" I remember how my voice had never sounded so vulnerable. I looked at her very deeply and she looked back from her kneeling position at the floor, and there was just a moment where we both knew it was over.

"We have an expiration date, don't we" Dani said.

I exhaled knowing she was right. My heart kept shouting at me to fight for it, to fight for this wonderful girl that had managed to make my world spin again for a few months. And I tried hard, but I just couldn't find the strength to do it, and for the first time in my life I knew that breaking up was the right choice. I looked at her back realizing that there was nothing else we could really say. So I just wanted to kiss her.

"Come here" I whispered and she stood up and sat next to me on the bed. I placed my hands on her cheeks and kissed her. I felt her tears on my nose and as she separated and placed her forehead against mine, I knew I never wanted this moment to end.

"What are we gonna do?" She asked softly, not knowing what else to say, I guess.

"I'll help you get your stuff together" I said, resignation finally settling in. Her lower lip quivered and her eyes couldn't stop dropping tears. So I hugged her really tight.

"I'm sorry, I love you" she said to me in the most sincere voice. It was true, I was sorry too, for what it was worth. If I could've changed the situation I would have, but sometimes you just can't change the way destiny or fate or whatever works out. So there isn't anything you can do but to let go.

"I know. I love you too."

She left a week later. I helped her pack her apartment and took her to the airport. We said we would keep in touch and she made me promise her that if when she returned we still wanted the same things, we would try and figure it out. It was a nice promise and for a while I really considered it, but life goes up and down more times than a roller coaster and even if love is there, sometimes it just isn't enough.

Out of all the relationships I've ever had, the one with Dani was the easiest. I remember that night when I came home from my first date with her and that Kurt asked me how it felt, I answered that it felt refreshing. And throughout the entire relationship it always felt like that. Dani was coming up for air when I felt I was drowning. She saved me. She saved me from a time where I didn't know who I was and that I was suffering the loss of Finn. I was this little girl in this huge city without a clue of where to go next, and in the midst of all the chaos, she was the light at the end of the tunnel, the calmness after the storm. She was just this gravity pulling down on me that made my feet stay on the ground even on the times where I had the potential of flying away without direction. It was like falling awake after a bad dream. It was easy and nice and just perfect. Dani is the only girl that I didn't end up with that I can look back and not regret a single thing, she was a great experience and certainly a great love.

I saw her many years later, and we were both on completely different places. She was actually married and she became this huge pop singer and I was well, on another place. We saw each other and we never had the doubt that what we had, had been special, but it had been special because we ended it before it got messy.

Many people come and go, but I can surely say that Dani was that one person who changed my life without me even noticing it. She was _that_ special, and I'll always remember her as that blonde girl with those deep dark eyes that with one smile could fill my life with sincerity, honesty and tranquility.

"How did it go?" Rachel asked as I left my keys at the counter and plopped on a chair in the kitchen.

"I left her at the airport and well, she's gone now." I sighed tiredly.

"How are you holding up?" Kurt asked sitting next to me.

I thought about it for a second and answered honestly, "I'm actually ok. I mean, I'm sure I'm gonna miss her but, I know I'm gonna be fine."

Rachel nodded, "That's great to hear. You made the right decision."

"Yeah, it's for the best." Kurt agreed.

"I know." I said softly. I knew it, the whole thing with Dani had never been a mistake.

We were silent until Kurt said, "You wanna feel better watching reality shows and eating ice cream?"

I smiled, "Maybe later. I think I'm just gonna go to my room for a while and take a nap."

"Ok, well tell us if you need anything" Kurt genuinely said.

"Thanks you guys." I stood up and turned towards my room.

I was halfway there when I heard Rachel say, "Hey Santana."

I turned around, "Yeah?"

"Brittany called."

* * *

Hi! So, this story is officially c'est fini! I'm sorry it was so short. I never wanted it to be longer until I realized that people were actually liking it. And for that I give you my thanks, thanks for reading, subscribing, faveing and reviewing. It is always so heart warming to know that people like what I write, it makes me feel like I can do anything. This story is very dear to me because I wrote it on a time where there was a lot of change in my life and I needed to let some things go, and this story helped me do that and have closure.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it and I want you to understand that this story did not have the intention of butchering the epicness that is Brittana, hence, the ending. I just think that they could have done a much better story with Dani instead of not even ending it. Classic Glee. I loved the 100th episode but it was kind of absurd. Dani should have been a nice relationship for Santana, one she actually cherished but that ended because ultimately Brittany, was the one for her.

I have another fic in progress, it is called "After All", go check it out and soon there will be an update! Thank you so much again, you are the best! See you later!


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